Winner’s Triangle
So, it’s one thing to identify roles in the Drama Triangle, but what do you do with the label?
Identifying it is just a first step; it won’t solve anything, but growing awareness of what goes on between us allows us options and the opportunity to aim for different outcomes. Firstly, let’s remember the three roles of the Drama Triangle: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. Now hover above the situation, stop and see it as it is and take time to make a more informed response. What roles are being enacted?
With Victim, we need to stop rescuing or persecuting. Try focusing on that person’s own accountability and independence. For the victim, it may be a maladaptive role from childhood, perhaps their attempts to attach to a parent often failed, leaving them feeling eternally helpless. If you yourself are inclined to rescue, it may be a maladaptive part of your childhood where you were overly soothed, perhaps you cannot bear to see someone in need of help or trying to work through something tricky? Both roles may make relating difficult
Help ‘victims’ focus on deciding what to do. Can they decide? Can we wait for them to decide before we try to fix and advise? They must learn to vocalise their own feelings and needs. It is important to acknowledge that some people are so firmly entrenched in the victim role that they don’t take responsibility for their body, their behaviours or their emotions. Can we support them by simply listening to how they feel without offering advice? The way out of the victim role can be as basic as them acknowledging “I feel too hot,” “I’m bored,” “This has happened to me.” The moment you suggest a way out, you are rescuing; the moment they reject your suggestion, it may even frustrate you - enough to despairingly say, “Oh, I don’t know how to help you!” You have now entered the persecutor role!
With victims, they must have space to move from victim to vocalising. Even if it takes a long time, they have to bring their needs, i.e share a vulnerability. That may be a big deal for them if their lived experience is that their needs were never met, but being a safe person for them helps heal that trauma.
Victim: “This is impossible, I can’t do this on my own.”
Vocalising: “I’m overwhelmed, having more time and starting sooner would help me.”
With Rescuer, we need to stop underestimating a person’s autonomy by overstepping boundaries or solving things for them. We can facilitate independence. If you are being rescued, you must let the person know that you do not require the help or advice. If you are the rescuer, then you may believe anothers’ needs are more important than your own. Perhaps your caregiver always put your needs ahead of their own, so that is your role model. You might challenge that view, ‘that is the life of a parent,’ you might say. Imagine a parent perpetually picking up a dish, washing it, and putting it back in place only for it to be thrown on the floor again. It’s healthy for children to understand that carers have boundaries and limits, and that they are separate entities. They don’t exist to do everything for us forever.
Rescuing: “Let me do that for you.”
Resourceful: “What would help?“
With Persecutor, we need to stop blaming, criticising, controlling, intimidating and focusing on who was wrong. If persecuting was the way of the world, it would come down to who debates best and keeps receipts. Again, the persecutor role most likely represents a person’s experience receiving feedback from their own caregiver. If it was always harsh and critical, then they may associate that with love. We hear it all the time, ‘tough love’, ‘it never did me any harm’, ‘man-up’…there are a host of phrases to deliver the shame with! But actually, that is very unfair because shame is a useful emotion. If I feel shame when I miss a deadline, that is enough to help me prepare better next time to avoid the feeling. But the last thing I require is someone piling on top of that emotion by telling me I always mess up or that I’m useless as I seek an extension. That becomes toxic shame. Assertively asking the person what they need gets to the real point, e.g. “I need an extra day.”
Persecutor: “Not another missed deadline!”
Assertive: “What might help the situation?”
In summary, the Drama Triangle is reactive, emotionally charged and unconscious, whereas the Winner’s Triangle is intentional, accountable and solution-focused. It helps people communicate adult to adult rather than being feeling like a parent or child. That doesn’t mean for one second that how we relate to one another will be free of difficulty or emotion; it simply means that we can be honest without feeling helpless, supportive without rescuing and clear without attacking.
