A Guilty Secret: Rescuing and Regulating Others
Some people grow up quietly carrying a guilt they can’t easily name — a tension that surfaces when they try to rest, or say no, or stop managing how others feel. It’s not the guilt of doing something wrong that feels tense…but the risk of stopping something that once kept them safe. An adaptation that has now become maladaptive.
For many, this begins in childhood. When a parent is anxious, unpredictable, depressed, or easily upset, the child learns to adapt. They might become the helper — bringing tissues, making jokes, offering reassurance. Or the peacekeeper — keeping their voice down, staying out of the way, trying not to “cause trouble.” Some became the achiever, performing well to give their parent something to be proud of. Each adaptation carried the same unspoken hope, 'If I can make them feel better, maybe everything will be okay?’
In those early years, the child’s nervous system links their emotional safety to the parent’s stability. If the parent seems calm, the world feels safe. If the parent is distressed, the child feels unsafe — so they step in to fix it. This pattern forms the foundation of a subtle but powerful belief: “If they’re not okay, it must be because I didn’t do enough.”
It’s an unbearable thought, but also an oddly comforting one — because if the child apparently causes it, then maybe they can control it? And solve it…
Guilt becomes a form of agency, an adaptation. It’s painful, but it feels a lot safer to the child than facing the idea that some things — like a parent’s unhappiness or volatility — is uncontrollable. Yet, it was never theirs to carry. Children think the whole world is about them, so subconsciously adopt the burden. Therapy isn’t about blaming parents. It’s often useful with my clients to identify what the belief is and where it came from (and yes, of course some care givers do fail us and we can acknowledge that too).
However, the burden, or guilt, doesn’t vanish with age. It just changes shape. An adult who once soothed an overwhelmed parent might now find themselves:
Feeling guilty when someone else is upset, even if it’s unrelated to them.
Over-apologising or over-explaining to keep the peace.
Struggling to rest without feeling “lazy.”
Saying yes when they mean no, because someone else’s disappointment feels unbearable.
Feeling uneasy when things are calm — as though peace can’t last unless they’re working to maintain it.
Sometimes this guilt is triggered by the simplest acts of self-care. Taking a weekend off, not replying instantly, or expressing a boundary. It can stir a sense of wrongdoing as if the old nervous system whispers, ‘you’ve stopped doing your job!’ Will someone fall apart even if the situation or time is far removed from the initial need for that rule? Remember, trauma travels through time, it acts and feels as if the need for the strong response is right now, as if you’re right back there!
It may be tempting to assume it always stems from abuse or bad parenting but at its core, this kind of guilt isn’t necessarily a response to abuse, or selfish or manipulative — it’s protective. It can reflect how deeply you as a child loved your parent, and how afraid you were of losing that connection!
That guilt once served a purpose. It kept relationships stable. It kept love accessible. It helped a sensitive child navigate emotional unpredictability. But as an adult, the same instinct can become exhausting — turning care into responsibility, and empathy into unavoidable compassion fatigue. Healing from this pattern doesn’t mean becoming detached or less kind. A few reflective questions can help shift that inner dialogue:
When I feel guilty, what am I afraid will happen if I stop helping?
Who taught me that love requires constant effort?
What would it feel like to trust that others can handle their own emotions?
Can I care about someone, instead of for them?
Gradually, guilt begins to transform into compassion — you can still be sensitive to others, but anchored in self-trust rather than obligation. Letting go of guilt isn’t about disowning your empathy; it’s about reclaiming your freedom. You can still be warm, thoughtful, and kind — just without the constant undercurrent of self-blame.
In truth, guilt was never proof that you were doing something wrong. It was proof that you were trying to love in an environment that made love conditional on calm, control, or compliance. When you stop carrying others’ emotions, you don’t lose your empathy — you liberate it. It becomes gentler, truer, and more sustainable. You no longer need to regulate others to feel connected; you can simply be yourself, and let love meet you there.
